He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I need to sanitize my soul.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Randomize
