she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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