The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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