Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
