He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
