I think I won the penis lottery.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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