When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
