so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
