ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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