I want to have your abortion
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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