I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
you never un-have a 4some
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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