Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
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