I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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