See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
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