What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
