I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Randomize
