I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
