I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
i believe in u and ur pee
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
