The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
