I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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