I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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