You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
