Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
