I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
