Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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