i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
