so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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