I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
