I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
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