He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
