Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
My liver just had a heart attack.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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