You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Randomize
