They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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