People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
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