On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
