The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize