On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
