What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
if only i could text you this smell
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
