Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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