I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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