my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
My hand turned me down
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
