I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
