OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
