booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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