guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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