Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
