I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
