Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
