Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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