I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
