I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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