im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
