i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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