I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I want to fling myself into the sun
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize