My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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