I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
