I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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