Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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