Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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