And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
